I have to admit this week has just felt weird. It’s almost as if I haven’t been myself. Although I think the problem might be that I’m just exhausted; all of my regular training has finally caught up to me. For me, I always feel like I can be doing more. Then when my body stops working, my mind runs wild and it’s just like I’m moving in slow motion.
I get to the point where I’m no longer thinking at all, and I just start to sense things. Ironically this is one of the best things for me. When I’m in class or in the midst of moving, and I can relax in it, I am capable of so much more. It’s weird. It is these moments that I learn the most about myself, as frustrating as they are.
You know those times when you have those total epiphanies?
Lately I’ve been having these experiences where I’m like: Ohhhhhh that’s what they meant! OR this is what it feels like! Now I understand. It’s like I knew what was coming but I just hadn’t seen it for myself before.
But then I find myself confused about other moments. I start to think: Okay, what is really important to me? The minute I think I know, something else intersects it. I’ll have a thought and immediately it leads to something else. Normally my mind runs a hundred miles per hour and off in so many different directions. However this week, it’s like I’ve had tunnel vision. That or I’ve been floating above the room or location of what’s really going on.
I can’t decide if I’ve had a clouded image or if I’m starting to see things clearer. I really don’t know, and I’m also not sure where any of this is coming from.
Maybe it’s exhaustion. My body is tired, I haven’t been in my most healthy state, and my mind is running wild. I mean that’s a lot.
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Well, then every ounce of me just wants to accomplish SO MUCH MORE.
So it doesn’t make sense.
And now I’m just MAD.
I’m mad because often I allow myself to be overlooked, I allow for things to slide, because I’m a nice person. Truly I am.
As you can see, I can only handle these situations for so long. There’s always a breaking point. Although I may seem like a kind individual, who always works hard and never complains about anything: well you should hear what I say to myself.
I have this beastly side of me. The one who just wants to break out, mess things up, and really take over. I just want to make shit happen.
So I lay here and I think of what needs to happen next.
What is the next step in this equation?
Can I control this path I’m on or do I just let it unfold?
Normally anytime I have tried to control something, it doesn’t turn out the way that I envisioned it.
I also have a hard time asking for help. I’m stubborn and I think I can do it all on my own.
Although a lot of life happens by making connections, knowing the right people, and timing it out without any kind of force.
As a kid I was taught: Do it yourself. You’re the only one who is going to get you to the place you want to be. So I’ve stuck with this.
I’ll admit, my childhood was rough; I saw a lot happen at a very young age. There are things I experienced that are just unexplainable.
All of this is what fuels me however.
It’s what makes me want to fight harder, and it’s what’s made me stronger.
I’ve become quite in tune with myself.
Yea it’s deep, and I love it.
You know and there are always those situations you can do nothing about. You have no control over them. It’s fate and you just have to go with it. I guess that’s what makes life beautiful. Never really knowing. Man this is one of the things that frustrate me the most! I just have to remember to live, and let live.
I kind of like having this little secret, of people never really knowing what I’m all about. They see what’s on the surface, yet they don’t really know. They ask how I became so chill and how I manage to stay real. They tell me not to change. They see a line of success before them.
Well here’s the deal…
I’ve been through a lot and I utilize it to my advantage.
I am constantly eager.
I will never be satisfied.
I will never really change.
I only want to be better.
I’m just on a journey to find the next stair to that very long staircase above me.
I won’t stop because I’ve already come so far.
Thanks for reading. I’ve obviously had a lot on my mind lately.
Feel free to share!
P.S. – I miss my Mom. I keep thinking I see her in the audience at our shows. It’s kind of a funny little game. I love my family and I always want to keep them close. I also think about my ‘boys’ all of the time. There’s no one who can make me laugh as hard as my Dad. My brother’s are the sweetest, most amazing little people I know. And my Mom works harder than anyone. I hope they know how much I love and miss them.
Good night world ❤